Some mornings, I miss you
by TheDarkestShinobi
Summary: Inspired by the poem by Kristina Haynes. Each chapter is a differnt line in the poem, the main cast and pairings with a little one sided LesliexSheldon thrown in. Shamy, Lenny, RajxLucy, HowardxBernadette
1. Teach myself loss

**TheDarkestShinobi**: I saw this poem and was hit with inspiration for a little BBT fic with a lot of characters. It's RajxLucy, Lenny, Howard and Bernadette, Shamy and a little one sided LesliexSheldon.

Each chapter is a line in the poem.

**Chapter 1:** "I am growing out my hair to teach myself patience. I'm going to cut it to teach myself loss."

Leslie doesn't feel, not for them; that's the problem.

She remembers being the bright eyed eager new face at the university, and she remembers that she thought the dorks were funny and that the tall one should be hers. He was handsome and quirky and broken in the ways that she thought could fix her. She remembered feeling then. He rejected her without her having to ask. He took one, maybe two looks at her and decided she wasn't worth it.

She waited a bit, until their first conference together before approaching him again. She was being published and honored and maybe, she hoped, it would have been enough for a second look without a scalding remark. It wasn't, he had listened to her practiced speech and locked eyes with her with a flat mouth.

"It's about time, isn't it?"

She should have expected it. She heard lots of things about it. She pulled back from him then and hated him. She called him dumbass because he had to be not to see her, brilliant and wonderful and wanting. She insulted him, because one day she might hurt him back. She worked and worked because she didn't need him to recognize her.

She doesn't.

She's been over him for a while. At least she thinks so; it's hard to tell with boys.

Amy came around and Leslie felt sympathetic, because Sheldon didn't do relationships. Then, Sheldon did and Leslie discovered her problem had been a lack of patience. It had always been a weakness. She jumped to Leonard, to Howard. She had tried to make him hurt, get him jealous but she never thought to be patient and get him interested. In hindsight, it might have worked wonderfully, but slow and patient? Bending to someone else's will wasn't her style, it would never be.

She could do with some patience. She had learned some when she grew out her hair. It was nice and long. It took a long time and some awkward phases before she found comfort. It took longer to wash, to brush. It had to be carefully kept in her lab. She learned about braids and higher ponytails. She leaned that if she tilted her head in just the right way it would fall over her shoulders or bounce when she danced. She had grown to love it.

Unfortunately, today was about loss.

She lost Leonard all on her own, blamed Penny and it faded from her mind. She lost Howard on her own. She pushed him away. Then she blamed him. Then she blamed Bernadette. Still, she never felt their loss, never cried over them, any of them. It made her feel like she lacked something basic, something human.

She grabs the scissors as she looked at the mirror.

She never had Sheldon. She let Leonard go. She pushed Howard away. Yet, none of them gave her the sinking feeling she has right now. It's apprehension. It's fear. She doesn't want to lose her hair. She runs her fingers through it one last time knowing she shouldn't. It'll just be worse on her. She feels like crying and it's such an odd feeling that she laughs. She looks to the mirror again and wonders if she's already learned the lesion, but she hasn't. She needs to lose something to learn it. She closes her eyes and breathes out.

"Well, it was fun." She speaks to herself in the mirror, "but it wasn't going to last. I knew that from the start." She cuts; she cuts and cuts until she doesn't recognize herself. She thinks of Sheldon. She thinks of Leonard. She thinks of Howard. She tries to tie the sadness to them. It looks a bit like a pixie cut, and she could rock it. Still, it's not the same. She drops the scissors as she let herself cry.

She knows loss now, and she wishes she didn't.

**TDS: **Thoughts?


	2. I still dont get out of bed

**TheDarkestShinobi**: This chapter is RajxLucy

Each chapter is a line in the poem.

**Chapter 2:** "On my best days, I still don't get out of bed."

Raj had been told, time and again, to get over it. They were just women; he shouldn't get so nervous that he couldn't speak. Alcohol wasn't a solution, it was a problem. They were right in their words, wrong in their actions. It took friends to bring him out and Amy, Penny and Bernadette were wonderful women that he owes the world to. Seriously, he loves them.

Not as much as he loves her.

Lucy.

She was beautiful, and not in the way Penny and Bernadette were, it was more than her hair and her lips, more than her measurements, more than the ways he imagined she'd look spread beneath him. No, it was in the way she managed to see herself and the world. It was her smile and the reason behind it. It was the light in her eyes and the way he felt he could float when she looked at him.

She was perfect for him, and not in the way Amy was for Sheldon. It wasn't that she would put up with him, she understood, down to the very panic in their bones that other people seemed to have a way to bring out. She would accept him the way he accepted her.

He pushed. He pushed her too far and if anyone should know the dangers of pushing it should have been him. He left India to get away from his parents pushing. He learned to both love and hate Sheldon for his desire to push everyone into his way. He learned to love and hate Howard for trying to get him to open up. He knew the dangers of pushing, and yet he pushed.

He was excited. He knew that she was it from the beginning. It was like Sheldon meeting Amy, an instant connection. Most people wouldn't understand it and he didn't care because he did. He wanted her to meet them because she was so important. He wanted to introduce his future to his present and he was so thrilled that he didn't think of her. He didn't realize he was pushing until she stopped.

He remembers the panic today, the sinking feeling that he has messed up beyond repair. He opens his eyes thinking of hers and closes them again so he doesn't cry. He moves his hand wishing it was on top of hers. He turns over trying to find comfort in the sleep that's already eluded him. It's useless, he realizes as he stares into the ceiling, today is going to be one of those days.

Most days he's okay, as okay as he can be without her, but some days he wakes up and he thinks about the way her eyes widened in panic, or the way her voice hitches. He thinks of her unique run. He wakes up with her on his mind and in his heart and those days are the worst, and even during the best of them, he still can't get out of bed.

**TDS: Reviews are love!**


	3. New York, we have to stop

**TheDarkestShinobi**: Leslie and Sheldon interaction! This is the last one with Leslie in it, sorry. And it's all opinions in here, I am a huge Shamy shipper so I don't think Amy just puts up with him either.

Each chapter is a line in the poem.

**Chapter 3:** "New York, we have to stop meeting like this."

"Dr. Winkle, it's a pleasure to see you here again." She smiles as she shakes his hand

"Same to you, Dr. Lamia." She takes her hand back as soon as it's released and turns away to place her empty glass on the tray.

"I like the hair, Leslie." Leslie turns again to see Dr. Quin

"Letitia," she knows this one needs a hug so she gives it before she's asked.

"I thought you were growing it out,"

"I was. It didn't suit me." She reaches for the hair that would've been there before closing her hand and resting it against her shoulder. It suited her really well.

"I think this is a wonderful look for you." Leslie nods as she grabs two champagne glasses off a nearby tray. Letitia takes one with a smile. "Cheers to the new year?"

"Yes, cheers!" New Year, new Leslie? It was something her mother insisted on. They both drink to that, half the glass finished before either brought it back from their lips.

"Have you met the keynote speaker?" Leslie shakes her head, she didn't even check the program, "he's quite brilliant." Leslie laughs; this woman has no idea what kind of people she knows.

"Who is it?" She asks as the two of them turn to walk to the back room.

"Dr. Cooper." Letitia smiles as she says the name. Leslie already knows where this is going.

"I know him." She stops walking and Letitia stops in front of her tilting her head. "He's at my university," she continues before grabbing another drink, she's going to need it.

It's a yearly thing. Her mother is in New York City, so she makes a point to be in the area around the New Year. This conference is always perfectly in between Christmas and the New Year for her. Unfortunately, it seemed, Sheldon also liked this conference. For the past seven years he's been here too. Every time they are forced to interact and it ends up with him being coped up in his room and her drinking the night away.

"So you're friends?" the way Letitia says friend implies she means lover and Leslie shakes her head at that.

"No, I would say we are competitors." The third drink is gone and Leslie strongly debates a fourth.

"He's theoretical." Letitia counters and Leslie looks over to her, admiring the shoulder length plethora of tight curls. She looks into her friends brown eyes, still lighter than her dark skin. "Long story?" Letitia shakes her head before grabbing Leslie's arm and putting drink number four in her hand.

"Let's go say hi."

She can do this. She taught herself some patience, some loss. She is more mature than she was last year. She is pulled past colleagues and friends and waves with smiles. She pulls herself away when she sees Dr. Martin.

"Dr. Martin, I went to your presentation this morning, and I have to say I quiet enjoyed it."

"Dr. Winkle, is it?" he greets as he turns fully to her. She nods and he smiles. "I went to yours last year, about loop theory, I think you may just be the leading experimental physicist on the case." Leslie smiles widely as she looks away.

"Thank you," she looks back to him, "most of my grants have been pretty open. It really helps." He nods in understanding.

"Although I think the Keynote would disagree, I hear he's a string theory believer." She shakes her head with a laugh.

"It's no way to raise children." She smiles wider as the joke causes him to hold a hand over his stomach and laugh. "Yes, I know, Dr. Cooper and I are acquainted."

"He's special." Dr. Martin finally comments. "I don't think I've met anyone quite as brilliant, or nutty." He says the last part under his breath and she nods.

"Trust me, I've known him for quite some time and I can say the same." He bids her farewell and Leslie can no longer put off the inevitable.

"Ah, Dr. Winkle," Sheldon opens and she narrows her eyes at him looking around the room, no one else is in earshot are they?

"Finally learn my name, Dr. Dumbass?" He looks away from her before sighing.

"I've always known your name, I've just recently been told to use it."

"Wow, ever think you'll get your balls back?" Leslie asks as she sits next to him. Letitia is torn between laughing and dragging Leslie away. She did say they knew each other. "Not like you'd ever use them."

This hits too close to home, she realizes as he pulls his head back and turns red. She wonders what's going on in his life and wonders if she should apologize for crossing a line. He thrums his fingers on his suit pants and she looks up to him. Okay. Too much. She gets it.

"New hair, Leslie," Oh no, please don't. She swallows. "Wow," he looks amazed and she almost says thank you. "Now the outside looks as empty as the inside."

She realizes he's hurt, and he's on the defense. Still it causes that feeling of loss to come back to her. Maybe if she could stop insulting him first, they could actually be colleagues one day, but not today. She leaves as fast as she can in her skirt suit and heels and downs two glasses on the way out.

She stumbles out the door and looks up to the top of the skyscraper next to her. She lets out a deep breath as she knows she needs a few more drinks, a sexy dress and a stranger to feel better.

"New York," she breathes "We have to stop meeting like this."

**TDS: **Thoughts?


	4. Cabs at 3 AM

**TheDarkestShinobi:** This is not what I had in mind but I liked it. Spam mail causes a little trouble for Howard and Bernie,

**Chapter 4: **"I would have texted you sooner but cabs at three a.m."

Howard really can't see straight. He knows in his gut that he shouldn't have done this. He had gotten used to him and Bernie acting a certain way, he depended on it. Still, she had never been jealous of other women because he had given it all up for her. Not that there was much to give up. Not that she wasn't worth everything ten times over.

He was a one woman kind of guy now, forever. He had told her so. He couldn't have imagined how good his life would get from the moment that he met her. He couldn't have imagined how terrible it would be when she left him, because she is probably going to leave him. She's always been too good for him.

He didn't even cheat on her. He doesn't know who the woman was or why she was there, splayed out naked in the pictures that came in the mail. He had thought it was a joke until she screamed at him. She accused him of terrible things, said things he hopes she didn't mean and told him to get the hell out. He didn't know what to say or do so he left.

He fumbles with his phone, there is nothing to say. He knows she assumed his guilt the moment he left. He couldn't take her looking at him like that, of accusing him of that. Even in his most sleezy of days he wasn't a cheater.

Where are the magic words that fix everything?

How does he make the truth ring?

"We're here." The voice from the front of the cab echoes and he reaches into his wallet.

"What's the damage?"

He swears it is Bernadette that looks back at him telling him forever. He throws two twenties at her before getting out of the cab and swaying on his feet.

_I didn't cheat on yu_

_I'm sory I ran way_

_Cant take tu liikong at me like that_

_I would have texted sooner but cabs at 3am_

_Pleade don't leave me_

"Howwie?" he hears her call him and looks up from his phone to see her at the door. She is running towards him and he can't help but let the tears fall.

"I've never cheated. I never will. You're my everything!" he hugs her back and she pulls away.

"You're cold as death? How long have you been out here?!" he can see the sleep is still in her eyes. He realizes she's in his shirt. He sees the red of her eyes and knows she's been crying too.

"I don't know. I love you." She tugs him forward and towards the house. The entire time he talks about his love for her. She can't possibly know that she's his everything.

She does.

She helps him in and gets water into his system. She listens to him babble and cries herself. It didn't take her too long to figure out it was spam mail, but he way he looked at her made her think he was cheating. He was a deer in headlights; he looked like his world was ending.

"We're not getting a divorce." She soothes as he grabs onto her like he'll never let go again. She grabs him in the same way.

She'll never let go.

**TDS: **thoughts?


End file.
